Brew – 5.9
Burnett Lane, Brisbane CBD
The waves of nostalgia crash into the beaches of my emotional core while I write, a thunderous metronome accompanying the clickety-clack of the keyboard. This is not a tale of heartbreak, a tale of loss, a tale of tragedy. It is simply the end of an era: TCB is finally leaving school. After 6 years, 12 semesters, a cumulative total of approximately two weeks actual study, numerous skipped classes, countless coffees, and ALL the beer, AMac is set to ultimately depart the hallowed sandstone monolith in two weeks. This brings with it a consequence for loyal TCB readers…this will be the last exam bloc TCB review. No longer will there be tips for west side student hot spots; no longer will we be discussing a mid week 10.00am brunch; no longer will you share TCB’s child like laughter. It is time to grow up.
Having been couped up in self sentenced solitary study confinement, I’m relieved to be hit up by the GZA for a pre NBA Saturday binge breakfast at one of Brisbane’s subterranean hipster temples, Brew. For months, TCB has received suggestions to visit Brew, with people raving about how good the food is, how trendy the atmosphere is, how bangable the waitresses are.
Rolling down the lowermost part of Burnett Lane to enter the cavernous cafe, we are informed that menus are on the table, but we can order at the bar when we’re ready…bad start.
The feel of Brew lives up to its reputation, as it is quite a trendy establishment, are hip and indie bar filled with mismatched art work and pierced and tattooed wait staff. While tempted to blow the top of a breakfast cider, we keep it simple and go for a flat white and a coffee on ice (not to be confused with an ice coffee). An important sidenote: the GZA is now putting his entire world on ice, placing an embargo on hot beverages between November and March.
The menu has three options of allure: the big breakfast, the haloumi and the huevous rancheros. Everything else is pretty much standard. Obviously if it is as hyped as people say, Brew must surely let its meals do the talking, rather than the menu.
Haloumi
It is lucky that the GZA and I have the pending NBA season to frantically discuss, because we seem to be waiting a long time for anything to happen. In keeping with the hipster theme, the attractive waitress seems fairly aloof, while the skinny male waiter is just high confused.
The meals arrive first, delivered by our confused friend. He states “oh wait, did you guys have coffees coming? Oh yeah, I’ve got them over at the bar, I didn’t see you guys.” Ok, that’s fair enough, I know how hard it is to see a table number printed on a novelty 10 inch playing card on a four seat table that is positioned DIRECTLY NEXT TO THE BAR AT WHICH YOU HAVE BEEN STANDING FOR 30 MINUTES. You must have confused us with two of the other ten people in the place. But you are correct my friend, better let the coffees sit undelivered than confirm the order…that would just be embarrassing.
For the GZA this doesn’t matter, his coffee on ice is still a cool and refreshing hit of caffeine. But I can’t exactly say that my bland and flavourless flat white was helped by being served a degree above room temperature.
Bigger breakfast
The food, to start, looks very appetising, and upon inserting the knife into a poached egg, the yolk dribbles out as it should. This is the high point of the meal. The GZA’s haloumi is rubbery and the roast tomato is cold and firm. I suffer the same fate with my tomato, but with the additional disappointment of a very firm, unseasoned avocado which I must pepper the shit out of for flavour. The chorizo is bland and seems heated up rather than grilled. The bigger breakfast is quite aptly named: yes it is bigger than the other breakfasts, but it is hardly a a galaxy of prawns (if you don’t get this, youtube simpsons Gary Coleman galaxy of prawns). Wholly average meals to be frank.
I don’t know whether my pending graduation has tainted my view of all things cool and hip, but my experience at Brew leads me to leave you with my final two poignant TCB thoughts as a student:
- Brew is ordinary, overrated hipster garbage; and
- Please stop telling me this place is awesome (refer to point 1). If you are like me, you are not a student any more. You are not trendy. You are not cool. This place is not good for breakfast. It is not good for Friday night drinks. Just admit to yourself that you are a 23 year old working drone, and that you belong at Fridays with the other desperados. Your days in vogue are behind you.
Apologies if this review has sailed way off course, but this is me signing off from my cool early 20’s and into the rest of my life…
Menu: 6.5 Coffee: 6.0 Food: 6.0 Service: 3.5 Ambience: 7.5
Reviewed by AMac and GZA
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